this isn't the way i wanted to come back.

it's been four years, four months, and two days since i last posted on this blog.

i stopped giving a fuck about punctuation. i also sold out to the corporate world of banking and holding my breath all day while trying to fill up my 401k, making just barely enough to survive as a single mother and also make sure my life isn't totally worthless and full of void.

yeah, that was a short synopsis. so much has happened, as expected. i still listen to most or some of the same awesome shitty music and am quite often depressed. i'm still the same person with the same bad memories as well as some great ones added on top of my life.

i've really taken to poetry in the past year. it has definitely allowed me the outlet blogging & writing used to. it just.. sort of happened. i really like spoken word, but haven't done any in a while.

recently, i was in a relationship.
before that, i was just in a one sided relationship.
the one sided relationship broke me.
it made me feel pretty worthless.
but the relationship-relationship just made me numb.
it was filled with absolute terror.
and some happy days.
two beautiful kids. one that was my bonus child.
and the other that was just all mine.
before they came along.

i have something i came here to say.

so i'm just going to say it.


domestic violence isn't pretty.
it isn't always lengthy.
and sometimes, just sometimes, you just need to be believed.
because there is nothing to gain, and so much lost.
i am speaking only from my perspective as a victim.
i am leaving behind any expectations to be all inclusive or
not leave anyone out based on their experiences.
this is for my healing.
this is catharsis.

a victim doesn't always cry.
to you.
in front of you.
they don't always bear all the passion.
and the shame.
right there to you.
they don't 'act' any certain way.
they don't call the cops. or they do.
there is no one universal way to react.
they don't always reach out for help.
or call you crying at 2 am when he finally hit his breaking point.
he finally couldn't control his rage.
and contest for her. her success. and her strong head.
they just don't meet these expectations.
they haven't always been abused.
maybe this was the first time.
the first time he got physical with her.
and the last time.
because a victim is not one way.
they don't always stay.
sometimes they get up.
and leave.
and sometimes those are the hardest victims to
believe.
but it's not her job to make you believe her.
post evidence.
or be provocative or manipulative or inventive enough to
get your attention. or persuade you.
it is only her job
to tell her story.
if she damn well pleases.