it's late in the night and early in my brain.

Namaste. 

i have so many thoughts whispering around in my mind. they're flowing and and pacing and being bothersome. i can't sleep and i won't for a while more. i have been pondering the idea of a blog post for a few weeks, and now the time has come. ooooahm.

i recently started a new job, and i was re informed of just how much people lack gratitude, and how lazy they really are. it's okay, though, because i guess they balance out the thankful, hard working people who really take only what they need and leave the rest. it's so easy to speak, type, and think about the kind of person one wants to be, or what one would like to do, and yet we waste hours upon years doing nothing. silent. solid in our lonely lack of an outlook on life.

i really don't mind my job. it's not hard, i don't have to do much, and i get to people watch constantly. it's so interesting to see people interact with others.

this feels really fake. unreal. not genuine. made-up. 

i wish i could throw up my thoughts all over this screen, effortlessly. i would pick the chunks apart and rearrange them in such a way i could make something beautiful and legible out of it. 

i've got so many questions. i've got so many questions. i've got so many questions. i've got so many questions.

if a shit could fuck would you be able to slip the rug underneath me and have some fun with yourself? stream of consciousness. that was fun.

i wonder why it is that when i'm ready, someone else isn't. i wonder why it is that whenever i feel the most comfortable, whenever i feel the most genuine, it's almost inevitable that the feeling isn't reciprocated. i wonder why i always pick those people to shoot my heart up with. i wonder why i'm wondering why about this shit. why do we feel a constant need to connect, on an emotional, mental, physical level with someone? why do i feel more drawn to him or her, but not you? why do you do the same? why can we be totally out of sync with our own emotions, and how do they wash away? why am i worried about you, you, you, you, and you? why do you concern me and why do i concern you? why can i sit here alone and feel fine as i'm getting this out of my mind, but tomorrow on the way to work an overwhelming feeling of helplessness overcomes me all at once?

some people might spectate that i'm not at peace with myself. well, no joke. you're fucking kidding yourself if you think you are. i'm not saying that you aren't. you don't have to say you are, either. it won't matter, truly, to anyone. i don't know how anyone could be one with themselves when you can't even fucking rip off the cage we have around our true souls to be able to channel that. what did i just say?

blah halb blha ahlb. i made some art today. i ate some fruit today. i was a super duper hipster today. repetition. it's all i depend on.

it's truly amazing and devastating and incomprehensible how fucking much i've learned about myself and the world in the past six months. i can't believe i was asleep for so long, yet such a short amount of time. i can honestly say i've never been more awake than in this moment right now. i'm not saying that my eyes are fully opened (because that's a joke), but i am in complete control of these strange cosmic dream waves i'm ridin'. they're powerful and magical and i can't even begin...

"love, love is a verb; love is a doing word"

i d o n ' t k n o w w h a t i w a s p u t h e r e f o r d o y o u ?