discontinued.

what a long time it's been. i've been hovering around this page tab for like thirty minutes, and i just typed like....

the world is me, and has gotten to me, and therefore i am a product of my environment, in the bad way. i've been making some radically small changes lately.... they're both radical and small, not actually radically small. i don't know where i'm at or who i'm with but mostly i don't need to.

 lately i've been spending time with a new lover, one who is both wise & naive in the ways of the world, as we all are, but especially so. i don't know what i just said! i feel like trying to describe this man is like, well, clearly i don't know how. the past two (maybe three) weeks have been a blur of happiness and complete surrender.. and i am truly a typing contradiction. even though complete surrender has a nice ring to it, it's totally invalid and actually a blatant lie to say. how dare i even tease myself? i'm always, always, constantly holding something back. i don't know what it is, but i do. i have no idea, yet i am the only one who knows! i have no control, it, this enigma absolutely 100% controls me... as well as drives me, i truly believe.


 it's hard to transition to past tense about someone/something/somedog you love(d). you know those times in life whenever you can actually be so upset and genuinely depressed if only for moments.. that life fades and begins to seem dream-like? if only this had been brought upon by happiness more times than sadness. it's almost entrancing, sadness. it's such a way... to feel. ellipses a lot tonight. it really is, though, a way to feel. sometimes it's a burden, and sometimes it unburdens you.

bebop was a creature of love, he was the product of HIS environment... which was one filled with, surrounded by, created, and driven by LOVE! his final days were full of peace and tranquility, and i know he was yearning to be at the end of our feet... snuggled up under the blanket, guarding us as we slept. i love you, you sweet little baby of love. i love what you were, who you were, and what you still are. i will do my best to save every tear from his eye that i can, surrounding him with our energy, love, and compassion. i know you're watching over us, loving us always.

 T                H                   E               P              A              S              T.
 i really, really can't figure anything out.